谁能帮我修改一下雅思作文并估计个分数?（剑4 test2 task1)The above graph and pie chart illustrate the demand for electricity in England during a single day in summer and winter,and also the percentage of electricity usage in an aver

谁能帮我修改一下雅思作文并估计个分数?（剑4 test2 task1)The above graph and pie chart illustrate the demand for electricity in England during a single day in summer and winter,and also the percentage of electricity usage in an aver
谁能帮我修改一下雅思作文并估计个分数?
（剑4 test2 task1)The above graph and pie chart illustrate the demand for electricity in England during a single day in summer and winter,and also the percentage of electricity usage in an average English home.We can easily see that electricity is highly demanded in winter,and most is donated to heating systems.
The graph of typical daily electricity demand in winter first increased sharply from 3500 to almost 4000 between 12am and 3am,then it dropped quickly to the level of 3000 at 9am.While in summer,it decreased steadily during these nine hours.In the next three hours,both of them went up,and the latter reached its highest point at 2000.From this spot,the winter graph continued to go up stably while the summer one dropped back to 1800 before it staying smooth until 9pm when both began to move upwards.11pm saw the largest demand for electricity in winter,almost 4500,and after that,both slides down to their beginning units.Meanwhile,52.5 percents of electricity was used for heating rooms and water,which was three times as the percentage for ovens,kettles and washing machines.The usage for lighting and vacuum cleaners,etc.shares the left thirty percentage with equal portion.

谁能帮我修改一下雅思作文并估计个分数?（剑4 test2 task1)The above graph and pie chart illustrate the demand for electricity in England during a single day in summer and winter,and also the percentage of electricity usage in an aver
写Academic论文,首先要避免主语代词的出现,比如在你第一段中：We can easily see that 这句最好改成it can be easily seen that.由此类推.
The graph of typical daily electricity demand in winter first increased sharply from 3500 to almost 4000 这句话有语法错误,不是graph increase,而是demand.你的主语有问题
From this spot,the winter graph continued to go up stably while the summer one dropped back to 1800 before it staying smooth until 9pm when both began to move upwards.这句话从句太多,最好分成两个句子写,不然逻辑有点混乱.
11pm saw the largest demand for electricity in winter.这句话有点Chinglish.
总体来说不错,楼主英语功底不错,词汇变换也很丰富,蛮下功夫.我只是一点小意见,供楼主参考.