求有好笑的英语笑话诶...过几天就是我英语课演讲了,求英文幽默笑话,简单易懂的,短小精悍的,能让人捧腹大笑等的幽默…….急……顺便附上中文吧...吾辈英语无能……

求有好笑的英语笑话诶...过几天就是我英语课演讲了,求英文幽默笑话,简单易懂的,短小精悍的,能让人捧腹大笑等的幽默…….急……顺便附上中文吧...吾辈英语无能……
求有好笑的英语笑话
诶...过几天就是我英语课演讲了,求英文幽默笑话,简单易懂的,短小精悍的,能让人捧腹大笑等的幽默……
.
急……
顺便附上中文吧...吾辈英语无能……

求有好笑的英语笑话诶...过几天就是我英语课演讲了,求英文幽默笑话,简单易懂的,短小精悍的,能让人捧腹大笑等的幽默…….急……顺便附上中文吧...吾辈英语无能……
Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
　　钞票不是万能的,有时还需要信用卡.
　　One should love animals. They are so tasty.
　　每个人都应该热爱动物,因为它们很好吃.
　　Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.
　　要节约用水,尽量和女友一起洗澡.
　　Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.
　　要用心去爱你的邻居,不过不要让她的老公知道.
　　Behind every successful woman, there is a man. And behind
　　every unsuccessful man, there are two.
　　每个成功男人的背后,都有一个女人. 每个不成功男人的背后, 都有两个.
　　Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
　　再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚,幸福不是永久的嘛.
　　The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.
　　聪明人都是未婚的,结婚的人很难再聪明起来.
　　Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
　　成功是一个相关名词,他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚（联系）.
　　Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
　　不要等明天交不上差再找借口, 今天就要找好.
　　Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
　　爱情就象照片,需要大量的暗房时间来培养.
　　Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
　　后排座位上的小孩会生出意外, 后排座位上的意外会生出小孩.
　　"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.
　　"现在的梦想决定着你的将来",所以还是再睡一会吧.
　　There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
　　应该有更好的方式开始新一天,而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来.
　　"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk?
　　努力工作不会导致死亡!不过我不会用自己去证明.
　　"Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours!
　　工作好有意思耶!尤其是看着别人工作.
　　God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
　　神决定了谁是你的亲戚,幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地.
　　When two's company, three's the result!
　　两个人的状态是不稳定的,三个人才是!
　　A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.
　　服饰就象铁丝网,它阻止你冒然行动但并不妨碍你尽情的观看.
　　The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more
　　you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to
　　learn.
　　学的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多,忘记的越多, 忘记的越多,知道的越少,为什么学来着?
　　老师:"你会不会?!"
　　"会会,我会,请别罚我站"
　　老师:"那好,请告诉我澳大利亚的位置."
　　"这个.我知道,我个人认为是在火星上,我如果说错了,请老师指教."
　　He Won
　　Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
　　Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
　　Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
　　他赢了
　　汤姆：约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗?
　　约翰尼：他害病卧床了.他受了伤.
　　汤姆：真糟糕,怎么回事儿?
　　约翰尼：我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了.
　　I Have His Ear in My Pocket
　　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
　　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
　　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
　　"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
　　他的耳朵在我衣兜里
　　伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里.他妈妈问,“发生了什么事?”
　　“一个男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡说.
　　“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问.
　　“他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说.“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢.”
　　A Good Boy
　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
　　"She is the one who sells the candy."
　　好孩子
　　小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱.
　　“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
　　“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说. “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说.“再给你两分钱.可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
　　“她是个卖糖果的.”
　　Drunk
　　One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
　　"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
　　醉酒
　　一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家.这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题.他向父亲发问道：“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察.如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了.” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”
　　Hospitality
　　The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
　　好客
　　由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时,家里没有奶酪了,于是女主人向大家表示歉意.这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子.过了一会儿,他拿着一片奶酪回到房间,把奶酪放在客人的盘子里. 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好.你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上,先生.”那小男孩说.
　　英语小笑话
　　上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
　　know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
　　性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
　　一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
　　A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
　　能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.